Please don't read this until after you've filled out the questions for parents or kids.

The 1998 Philips National Family Communication Survey-"Let's Connect," found some real differences in how parents and children viewed how well they talked to each other. For example, only about one-quarter of the families agreed on how much time they spoke talking to each other. Only one-third of the families agreed about how difficult it is to talk about important issues. That's why we expect you to answer some of these questions differently. Those different answers will give you insights into areas that you should talk about. Remember that there are no "right" answers to any of these questions.

If you disagree, that doesn't mean that one of you is wrong. It simply means that you view the situation differently.

Question 1 examines how parents and children perceive the amount of time they spend talking to each other. On the national survey, we found that three-quarters of the parents and children disagreed-sometimes by a wide margin-about the amount of time they talked to each other every day. One reason may be that adults and children often don't have the same sense of time. But if your family gave widely differing answers, it might be because at least one of you is feeling frustrated during these talks, so you're perceiving the time differently. If so, you should discuss what's good and bad about each other's style of communicating. Does the child see the parent nagging? Does the parent see the child as unresponsive? What might each of you change to get more out of your talks? The answers to some of the other questions may give you ideas.

Questions 2 and 3 look at whether each of you feels that you're paying enough attention to each other's words and emotions. Although none of us likes to be cut off in mid-sentence or to have our feelings ignored, we may be unaware when we do that to others. These are difficult habits to change, but they're well worth the effort. Until each of you feels that you're being heard and respected, you won't be able to communicate effectively. If you gave different answers to these questions, one thing you might try is to agree today upon a polite way to signal each other the next time this happens during a discussion. It should be something simple, such as raising your hand or saying, "Please let me finish." When this signal is given, the other person should stop talking while the signaler explains his or her thoughts and emotions.

Question 4 is aimed at discovering how well parents know what's really important to their children. On the national survey, we found that many parents mostly or totally missed those items that their children say are most important in their lives. In fact, many parents were both surprised and pleased by their children's choices.

If you gave different answers to this question, it would be a good idea to talk about your values and why you think they're important.

Question 5 looks at how comfortable children are talking to their parents, and how accurately parents perceive that comfort level. On the national survey, parents tended to describe such talks as much easier and more comfortable than their children did. If that's the case in your family, talk about ways you can make important conversations easier for everyone. For example, begin by admitting that you're uncomfortable. That often takes a lot of the pressure off. Also, have stressful conversations in small doses-perhaps only a few minutes at a time-instead of trying to resolve everything all at once.

Question 6 will let you see what the two of you think might be good ways to improve communication within your family. On the national survey, we found that most people liked all of these ideas, although parents were more likely than their children to choose solutions that involved spending more time together. By seeing where you both agree, this can give you some specific ideas for specific things you can do to communicate better.